I was thinking of suing DFS.
The leather suite they sold me at the 'double the discount; buy then, pay soon deal' makes a funny farting noise whenever I squirm, scrumptiously across it in my pvc hotpants.
On many occasion has mine and the Mrs's moment of cotius been rendered a pathetic, giggling and limp moment of regret. I feel that this has caused me a lot of unecessary 'rewarming' up of the old girl which has inflamed my tendonitus and caused me digestive problems.
However - the travesty of justice that has left Deputy Head Teacher, Sue Storer without a penny in compensation has made me rethink my intention to bring charges against the multinational, furniture giant. It makes me sick to think she was 'expected - to have the wit and initiative' to get another chair.
My god! Had Mrs Storers lawyers checked the job description? Had they consulted the policy documents? Was it written down that she would be expected to use 1/2 a brain cell whilst in her place of work?
Hmm, it all smells a bit fishy to me. (I say)
I will be expecting the appeal to go ahead forthwith upon the production of spurious faxes from Madeupland protesting Mrs Storer's absolute fuckwittery.
Until then - BERLUSCONI for Prime Minister?!
While I am at it "BUSH RULES THE WORLD".
Everyone's gone mad.
The world is falling apart.
Can someone nudge me when it is all over. I'll be watching childrens cartoons, under a duvet drinking milk.
Today - Madagascar.
Night, night.
Mr Normal

Is it me or does everybody want to be Charlie Brooker?
Johnathon Bernstein.
Ron Jonson.
Jon Ronson. (I can't remember which)
Zoe Williams.
Me.
I'll tell you what. I will check out some other publications this week and see if I can't confirm my suspicions as well as getting a whole new perspective on current events.
Cheers.
Mr Normal.

I chatted to the head Fishmonger at my local branch of Morrisons today and when I told him that we shouldn't be buying cod as it is under threat he suggested I buy frozen instead.
Now, there may well have been a communication breakdown but undaunted I heeded his advice and in amongst the rows and rows of cod based products there was some coley. Hurrah. Cheap as chips and tastes no worse than cod.
Fish pie tonight.
I am pleased supermarkets are becoming more ethical in their buying habits. However, those who manage huge supermarket chains and those who manage to turn up for work at them are very different animals and such initiatives take a long time to filter down. Supermarkets are proud of their customer service and feedback policies where we can comment on their behaviour but perhaps it should work both ways. I have no doubt that Sir Terry the Tescos boss is an intelligent man with the capacity for making sound ethical and moral decisions but he still puts cod on his shelves. Why, instead of bowing to consumer power (which is little more than grown up pester power) doesn't he just say, no - these are bad for you, these encourage slavery and these are destroying the planet. With £1 in every eight being spent in his shops what are people going to do? C'mon Tezza - where's your balls?
Make a difference to our lives.
Meanwhile in backtoearthsville I now have to work out how to make fish pie.
Ho hum.
Mr Normal

It is, undoubtably important that the poice are investigating the cash for peerages scandal. If, as is now being suggested that these people's companies were favoured for government contracts then I, for one will be applauding their downfall. However, the very thought of the 'police' investigating anything such as this creates an unusual and disturbing image in my mind. I imagine a police man, in uniform, with a notebook, flexing his knees and looking not disimilar to Reg from The Bill. It is he, the charmless, pen pushing, beaurocrat who would be charged with this task. I can see him now, fretting as he roots through several intimidating businessman's paperwork looking for the most minor of discrepencies while rubbing his earnestly furrowed brow.
This image, for what it is worth inspires absolutely no confidence in me that the task will get done. Reg's dogged determination will be no match for the political will of his masters and those faceless business types who appear to be keeping a very closed door on free inteprise indeed.
This episode will end, as always unresolved and will be forgotten about untill next time some one who has not confronted the 'machine' steps up to have their lives and careers minced and speaks out of turn and there is a need to roll out a familiar and reassuring face to boost flagging ratings.

To be honest I would feel a whole lot better if they had said that CI5 were investigating or the FBI or even a made up agency like Ofsted.

Hi ho. Well at least the public sector are back to work. Stop being so lazy and do some actual work. Stop winging, wasting your time chatting and frittering away tax payers money by not giving a shit about your job and thinking someone else will sort it out. As for wanting to retire early you can fxxx right off. As soon as any of you can work together for long enough to complete an important project, within time, within budget and to a consumer led specification I will have some sympathy for you and perhaps give you a break. Until then stop making tea for each other, wandering folornly from office to office to fill in time before pissing off home early.
And yes, I am having a bad day.
Up until god knows when rowing.
No, not across a body of water or on a machine but ROWING.
Nope, looks the same even in capitals.
Needless to say, she 'won', I lost.
Ta da.

What is it with foglights? Or more specifically people having them on - the ones at the front, the ones that shine into oncoming driver's eyes, the ones that (probably) make you feel like you are either safer or cooler?
I have identified the two culprits.
Number 1. Old, hat wearing, terrified, expensive car driving duffers who believe that illuminating the 4 foot of road infront of the car is, somehow improving their chances of survuval should the: a) fail to react to an on the road hazard such as another car. b) forget to react to an on the road hazard. Or c) Have a heart attack due to over reacting to an on the road hazard.
Number 2. Becapped, chav twatbags who think they are better than other drivers because there is a sticky copy of Max power on the passenger seat and they have yet to be run into by the above.
Oh yes, and obviously there is a number 3 but every body knows that 4x4 drivers are selfish wankers with no thoughts for others than themselves.
So, I am doing my best to gently remind these types that it is not actually foggy by flashing my lights at them. Does this make me number 4? Annoying, self riteous, family saloon car driving, organic food munching tosspot.
No of course not.
I am right and you know it.
Mr Normal.

Saturday

A strange thing.
Jimmy Carr's 8 out of 10 cats appears to be misrepresenting me. Is there anything I can do?
And it's not very funny.
Apparantly we are all talking about a hostage being released and not the budget and the cash for peerages scandal. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of sympathy for the guy, other hostages and their families but is this more media manipulation?
Is it because budget is never portrayed as a human interest story that (apparantly, according to Jimmy Carr) it was only 3rd on the most talked about list? Is it not glamorous or exciting enough?
Hmm.
I find it all a bit unreal.
My life is taking some unexpected twists and turns lately and in no small part due to the way this country is being governed and managed but I have no choice. I am part of a system that doesn't recognise the freedom of the individual, where I cannot change things (I have tried by the avenues that I know are open to me) and I cannot make a difference. By feeling he needed to make a difference Norman Kember felt compelled to travel to some far off land where things went not so well. He made a difference ok but to whom? There are lots of problems in this world and I comend him for trying to lend a hand to somebody elses but unfortunately I am not in a position to that just yet. I cannot get over the issues that are happening around us at the moment. Soon, if that meddling monkey Clarky gets his way I will have to have my biometric information stored on the national database. I can 'opt out' by not applying for a passport but then I will no longer be able to travel to any foreign countries. So the likelihood of me being kidnapped is significantly reduced ...
Ah, is this a coincidence?
I dunno.
Keep us in and keep them out?
I think before my current passport runs out I am moving to Alaska.
Hi ho.
Mr Normal

So the chancellor has said all the right things for the common man. I cannot help but think the extra money he has pledge to sport was already committed and had nothing to do with him. Lord Coe and a nation of obeses children probably swayed the decision.
At least the children will have lote of NHS support to help them deal with their swelling waistlines and lower self esteems. Pack 'em full of seroxat and hope they don't notice that they have been drafted into an Academy or a summer camp and are a long way from their xboxes and macdonalds.
It'd be nice to have some fit kids around though. I cannot possibly imagine, in my dotage being looked after by a bunch of burger munching, cholesterol ridden, fat, wheezing, spluttering 20 somethings. What if I need helping across the road? I'll have to carry them the last bit or let them sit in my gericar while I make sure they don't accidently run some one over as their heart collapses from the adreneline rush of actually using a vehicle as opposed to pretending to on the computer.
It does seem as if we are creating a nation geared to looking after the needs of old people but the kids are so busy plugged into something or tinkering with gadgets that they haven't noticed that they will be second class citizens by the time the current ruling class are old. And by then it will be too late.
No jobs for the young.
No way of having fun that doesn't involve giving an old person money.
Unable to drive their garish vehicles because the insurance will be so high and the driving test will be so hard.
Unable to afford a house and will have to live in (specially designed for their extra girths) sheltered housing.
Soon old people will be taunting the kids and running away only to stop 100 metres down the road to point and laugh.
But can the kids be bothered to do anything about it?
Do they want to get involved in the community or volunteering or even politics?
Do they buggery.
The oldies will show 'em.
Revenge will be sweet. Years of being laughed at, made redundant, made to queue, pushed aside, overtaken when adhering, sensibly to the speed limit and not having stories listened to will harden the nerves of the largest social group in the country and they won't stand for any nonsense.
Anyway, she may well have gt a 'meeja' job. Very cool. Cheered up no end.
I'm still busy getting older but not fatter.
Mr Normal